Starting from nowhere

First post.

I don't even really know why I'm doing this. It seemed like a good idea when I saw that button that said, "Create Blog." I've always wanted to be able to write regularly in a journal, but have never been able to keep up with it. I would stay on the ball for a few days or weeks at a time, then my brain would get in the way. I would get to a point where my brain would start saying, "Why are you doing this? Who cares about what's going on in your life (which isn't anything special, by the way) enough to waste their time reading about it?" With that came a feeling of selfishness, and eventually I would just stop completely, more dejected than when I started out.

However, I've come to the conclusion that I need to do something. My life has become a complete bore in the worst way and I'm slowly falling apart inside. There are good things. Chris is a very good thing, and Noun Comma Cat is a complete joy. Sadly though, the bad things outweigh the good right now. My job blows. Seriously. I work with wonderful people, they are what get me through the day, but the work itself is mundane and unchallenging. I'll have been there for 3 years in October, and I feel I've absorbed everything I can from the place. I don't want to move up anymore than I already have, so I've plateaued and that makes it really fucking boring. BUT! Like all of us, I need money, and jobs are tight these days. So I stay... and my soul feels like its being crushed.

I also haven't done any sort of theatre in over a year. This is the thing that bothers me the most. I decided to break the ties between me and my former college theatre, not auditioning for anything they did this year. And while I think it was healthy for me to break free from that too comfortable situation, I forgot one thing: The town I live in doesn't have any other options for theatre. Lexington, the next town north from me, has much more going on, but the travel is a little out of my means seeing as I don't have my own car and would have to pay for the gas to commute back and forth. I'm tired of hearing that if I really wanted to do it, I would find a way. That I would borrow cars and save extra pennies for gas and everything would work out and happily ever after is just around the corner. Bullshit. I haven't been making enough at my job to pay my rent and utilities, let alone save extra money for trips to Lexington and back.

So I feel stuck, and that's putting it lightly. I don't feel like I experience anything anymore, I just go through my day, my routine, then come home. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. I want to do more. I want to be more. But instead I'm in the good-for-nothing town that has little value to me and I think I'm here for the foreseeable future.

I guess I started this thing just to get it all out of my head. I don't communicate verbally very well. My mouth loses all memory of how to speak whenever I get angry or sad and it's the best clam impression to be seen. But typing... that I can do. I don't know what makes it different, but I can type out everything I have ever felt before I say one word, that's just how I work.

I want to be happy, in all aspects of life, not just a few. I want to drive away from this place without even looking in the rearview mirror. And I think writing it all down, getting it out and feeling that release, is a good place to start.