When it rains...

Life right now can bite it a little bit. The past month has been an emotional hell for me, up and down (mostly down), and here at the end of it, I feel drained of everything.


Starting off with the passing of one of my college professors. Homer Wayne Tracy was my dance teacher, musical director, choreographer, advice giver, and through the years had become a dear friend. He passed away on Saturday, May 19 peacefully in his sleep. He had been battling inoperable colon cancer for the past year, going through chemo and battling the various illnesses that come from having a weakened immune system. 


I honestly don't remember my first encounter with Homer, it was probably in his Theater 101 class. I just remember him being there. I tech'd his musicals, took his classes, went to his house for cast parties, went to Woody's with him for lunch, and got to know him through being with him nearly every day of the week. 


I stage managed for Homer for the first time when he did 'The Secret Garden' and it is still one of my favorite shows that I have done to this day. I was nervous as hell in the beginning, scared of all the responsibility, being in charge of keeping the actors happy and in order, and making sure that I was going to put on the show that Homer wanted and doing it the way he wanted it to be done. I had many doubts about my abilities... but Homer didn't. He never made me feel like I didn't belong there or that he should have picked someone else to be his right hand man (woman). I'm not saying he didn't get angry or upset at me, or I with him, but at the end of the day and at the end of each rehearsal, hugs were given, love was spoken, and we usually went and had a drink at his house. 


That's how it was with Homer. He could infuriate you, he could sometimes be unprepared and disorganized and be counting on you to fix it, he could drink too much and become a little bitch queen as we used to call it... but you couldn't help but love him because he was always honest about exactly who he was: a flawed human being. He would argue with you, and then laugh with you all in the span of ten minutes. He loved his friends with everything he had in him, and that's why he wasn't afraid to say when he thought something was wrong. He could make you laugh and he could make you roll your eyes with how ridiculous he wasn't afraid of being. 


And now he's gone.


Homer's house is down the street from my apartment. I could walk there in five minutes if I wanted. I used to sit on my couch and wonder what he was doing, five minutes away in his own place, living his own life. 


I miss my friend.


An absolutely beautiful memorial celebration was held in his honor. My emotions were borderline hysterical that day, it took everything I had in me to not break down into a puddle of sobbing, wailing grief in the middle of that church. Looking back though, my two favorite parts were the middle and the end. The middle was where people got up and shared their memories of Homer. It was amazing to hear stories from his older friends because it showed that he was the same wonderful person throughout his entire life. I laughed when they spoke because I could either picture it in my head as exactly something he would do, or I had a similar memory of my own. It was extremely heart-lifting. 


My second favorite part, which is actually my most favorite, was the end of the service. Homer had a Finale, ladies and gentlemen. Everyone in the church stood up and sang the chorus of, "Let the Sunshine In" from the musical, 'Hair' and it was the perfect send-off. I sang what I could, tears getting in the way of my voice at times. But the feeling in that place with everyone singing this joyous statement out into the universe, is one that I will never ever forget. I remember that I looked over and in the front row on the opposite side of the church aisle was another of my professors, Jim Moreton. I watched in awe as he swayed his hands back and forth, singing along with tears shining in his eyes, and a smile on his face. It was the one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. In that moment I was so grateful to have known this person that affected so many people, and so thankful that he had taken the time to make me feel important and cared for.


The first week was hard. I had a lot more grief than I expected and I didn't know how to handle it all. Songs reminded me of him, memories flooded my brain and wouldn't leave. I found an old voicemail that he had left me during our last show and that seemed to make everything fresh and new. But as they say, it gets better with time, and I'm ok with that.

my friend and I got balloons for people to write messages on, then we sent them up to him :)

I also wanted to include the lyrics to this song. Homer's friend, Sally Wilfert, sang this at the memorial, a beautiful song titled Anytime written for her by composer William Finn. I'll shamelessly plug it and say you should download it on iTunes. :)

Anytime you laugh
Anytime you cry
Anytime you hear a sound
When you're on the grass
Lying on the ground
Anytime you wash your hands
I'll be around

I'm out there on the baseball field 
Though I'm well concealed 
I'll be out there cheering
I'm out there in the books you read
It is guaranteed I'm not disappearing fast
Anytime, no not anytime

And I am there each morning
I am there each fall
I am present without warning
And I'm watching it all
Yes I'm watching it all

I am there in music
I am there in sky
I don't know why this thing did happen
But this much is clear
Anytime or anywhere
I am there

Anytime you pray
Anytime you fight
Anytime you gained a pound
Anytime its day
Anytime it's night
Anytime the earth moves 

 
I'll be around
I'm out there in the maple trees
In a summer breeze
On a perfect evening
I'm out there when you celebrate
When the world seems great
I'll be waiting by your side
Anytime, yes anytime 

And I am there each morning
I am there each fall
I am present without warning
And I'm watching it all
Yes I'm watching it all

I am there in flowers
I am there in snow
I don't know why this thing happened
But this much is clear
Anytime you cry
Anytime you sing
For anything

And I am there each morning
I am there each fall
I don't know why this thing happened
But this much is clear
Be aware
I am there
I am there
I am there
I am there
I am there
I am there
I am there